


Something inside This Heart Has Died

by Prussian_Ink



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Crimes & Criminals, Established Relationship, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 17:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2200746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prussian_Ink/pseuds/Prussian_Ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since Gilbert's sudden death, Ivan's life has been slowly falling apart, that is until he meets an unexpected guest at his funeral standing in the back of the church. [RusPrus. Full summary inside.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something inside This Heart Has Died

**Author's Note:**

> **Full Summary:** Gilbert is shot and killed while fleeing a murder scene, and from that night on Ivan's life is turned up-side down. He struggles to keep his head up but it's hard when the man you love is suddenly ripped away from you. Until that is, he encounters Gilbert's ghost at his funeral, standing in the back of the church dressed in his best suit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's the first chapter! It's a bit short but that's because I cut the last scene and decided to add it to the beginning second chapter. This is my first multi-chapter fic, and it's all self edited so please excuse any of my mistakes. Hope you enjoy! (Also, I suppose this could be counted as a 'Prologue' of sorts).
> 
>  *****Chapter Warnings:** Dark themes, major character death, violence, angst, suicide attempt, smoking, language.

The heels of Gilbert’s steel-toed boots pounded against the asphalt of the dark alleyway resonantly; a thunderous sound that rang in his ears almost as loudly as the police sirens did. His head was whirling, his feet were gracelessly clambering along in front of himself, slamming into the hard ground and sending jolts of pain to his knees and ankles.

His breath was coming in short gasps and he glanced over his shoulder every so often to see how hot the uniform-clad men were on his trail.

What the hell had just happened? He hadn’t intended on killing that man. It was a drug deal gone very, _very_ badly. He hadn’t meant to shoot that high either. He shouldn’t have died. He shouldn’t be running right now. His thoughts were a jumbled blur in his mind, it tore through the wirings of his brain, but he was able to keep one thing clear: _Run. Just run like fucking hell._

His mouth was dry, his lips were bleeding, and his throat burned. He just had to keep running. Just a few blocks further and he’d be safe. Just a few blocks further.

God, he was really regretting shooting at that policeman while fleeing the scene now.

“Stop or I’ll be forced to open fire!” he barely heard the voice behind him yell over the thudding of his own heart.

If he could just round this next corner he’d be ou—

_—Bang!_

For a few split seconds unbearable pain jolted through his entire body and black clouded the edges of his vision. Blood splattered down onto the sidewalk from his mouth, and he fell onto his knees with a thud. The metallic, salty taste of his own blood tingled on the tip of his tongue.

_I don’t want to die… I don’t wanna go… Please… I can’t…_

His eyes were blown wide, breath coming in shallow breathy gasps as he hit the asphalt in a graceless heap. Blackness encroached more of his vision, swallowing him up slowly as his entire body let out one final shudder and more blood sputtered from his mouth. He took a few last short breaths; the ringing in his ears was almost unbearable now.

_God, Ivan, I’m so sorry… So… fucking sorry…_

_I wish I could have said goodbye._

There was immense pain, and then there was nothing at all. His eyes were still blown wide, red and unseeing as he was approached by the policemen. They knelt down next to him and quickly checked for a pulse…

And found none.

* * *

  _-The previous night-_

Cigarette smoke filled the bedroom of the apartment Gilbert shared with his boyfriend. The grey sheets of their bed were tangled around his legs, and a thin sheen of sweat still glistened on his bare skin from the intense sex they just had.

Gilbert stared up at the ceiling lazily as he breathed the smoke from his lungs, watching as it swirled around his head. A cool, gentle breeze toyed with the edges of the dark blue curtains and made silvery shadows dance along the floor.

He let out a deep hum of approval as Ivan snuffed out his cigarette and began to slowly kiss his neck, his lips tenderly caressing his pale skin in passionate strokes. He tilted his head back to allow him more access, smoke curling up from behind his lips and leisurely drifting up towards the ceiling.

His ruby eyes slipped closed and a moan reverberated in the back of his throat. He held his cigarette loosely between two fingers.

“Aside from all your moaning, you’ve been oddly quiet tonight. Usually it’s you prompting the pillow talk.” Ivan grunted, kissing higher up his neck to his jawline.

The albino hesitated, something akin to a wince flashing across his features. “Yeah, guess I’ve just been thinking. Or something.” He divulged in a hushed tone, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. The white locks softly reflected the glow of the moonlight.

“Thinking? About what?”

“I don’t know. Just life, I guess…” He paused for a beat. “When I was a little boy I would have never guessed that by twenty three I would be what I am today.”

“Hmm? And what’s that?” Ivan inquired lazily, sucking lightly at the crook of his neck.

“A criminal.” He craned his neck back more and let out a pleasured sigh, eyes slipping closed again. His fingers found their way into Ivan’s hair and he tugged at the locks lightly. A guilty feeling was eating away at his gut though and it made him feel sick.

A deep chuckle resonated in the back of Ivan’s throat. It was a rich, velvety sound that sent a pleasurable shudder down Gilbert’s spine. “Nobody grows up wanting to become a criminal. When I was a boy I aspired to be an artist…” _An artist who traveled across Europe painting all different varieties of sunflowers,_ his mind finished. He didn’t tell him that though. “What about you?” His violet gaze flickered up to catch his stare, his eyes lidded and dark in the shadowy room.

“I… I wanted to fly. Be an airman, or something. Join the air force. Birds always fascinated me as a boy, and I wanted to be like them. Free, free to fly wherever they want, no boundaries, and no limits. And they get to shit on anyone’s head they want, too. That’s a plus.” A smirk tugged at his lips.

Ivan laughed at that and kissed his lips briefly. “God I love you.” He murmured, wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on his chest.

“I love you too.” Gilbert returned voice scratchy and just above a whisper. The words rolled off his tongue so naturally and genuinely that it made him feel a little better. He smiled down at him crookedly and took another drag from his cigarette.

Ivan hummed lowly and began to kiss his neck again, slow and passionate, drawing another moan from the other male. He gave a nip to his earlobe, nibbling playfully at the stud there then licking the shell. He felt the pleasured shudder that shook through the other’s body and smirked slightly.

Gilbert snuffed out his cigarette and tugged roughly at Ivan’s hair. “I’m going to step outside for some fresh air…” He grumbled, his expression faltering slightly. Ivan gave him a concerned look but nodded and pulled away from him, flopping back down into the sheets.

Gilbert sat up, looking around the room for his clothes. The moonlight pouring into the room tinted everything with a silvery-grey tone, and the cold night air bit at his exposed skin harshly. He shivered at the temperature change and slowly stood up, wincing at the pain in his ass. He found a pair of jeans, but they were Ivan’s. Frowning, he tossed them to the other corner of the bedroom and continued with his search.

Eventually he was dressed enough to protect his skin from the chill, and with a deep, shuddering breath he stepped outside onto their balcony. His legs shook subtly with each step, until he reached the edge of the balcony. He gulped and peered over it slowly, looking down onto the street below. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes, taking in another shuddering breath of air and placing his palms on the freezing cold railing, hissing softly.

Hoisting himself up, he stood precariously on the ledge, legs trembling as he looked over the edge once more. A rush of adrenaline shot through his veins, and he could now hear his heartbeat in his ears beating slowly. His emotions were a strange mix between calm, like he wanted this, and frightened, like he wanted to step back down. The cars were rushing down the streets, a blur of white and red lights. The wind was tugging at his t-shirt, gently urging him to just take one more step; grabbing onto his shirt with a feather light touch and assuring him that if he fell, it would catch him. _Just trust me._

“Gil?”

He didn’t even turn at his name, but the unmistakable tone of fear in his voice sent a pang of guilt straight to his heart. He gulped and took another deep, shuddering breath, closing his eyes.

“…If I stepped off this ledge… do you think I could fly?”

“Gil… Please step down from there.” He paused for a beat. “Please.” His voice cracked slightly at the end.

His eyes opened again and another wave of guilt washed over him as sudden realization hit. He had his reason to live standing right behind him, anchoring him back to the ground. So why was he standing on this ledge, with the wind rushing past his ears and whispering for him to jump?

As soon as his feet made contact back with the concrete of the balcony, he felt himself enclosed by two strong arms and pulled back into a muscular chest.

His whole body shuddered as he shook with silent sobs, turning around to bury his face into his chest and wrap his arms around him. “I’m sorry. I’m so—“

“Stop. I understand. You don’t have to explain yourself…” Ivan’s voice was low, comforting and tender and it made him cry harder. The Russian gently rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head. “You don’t have to tell me anything…” He had known about the other’s suicidal tendencies for years now. They knew everything about each other, which was partly why their relationship was working so well.

He had suicidal tendencies himself so he could understand part of the pain he felt. Of course, each case is different, so he didn’t want to believe he knew exactly what he was going through. Only one person would ever know, and that person would be Gilbert.

Honestly he doubted anyone could truly escape thoughts of suicide. It’s just all a part of being human. And that’s all they were when it came down to it: Just simple humans; weak and fragile.

“Come on, let’s go back inside now.”

 

Once they arrived back in bed, Ivan wasted no time in getting on top of him and slowly removing every item of Gilbert’s clothing until he was comfortable again and left in just his boxers. He worshiped every inch of milky white skin that was exposed to him, leaving soft kisses and fleeting touches all across his smooth body. He wanted him to feel utterly loved and cherished, and hopefully ease the pain and trauma that was no doubt still on his mind. Just that thought alone was enough to keep him from becoming aroused by the enticing sight beneath him.

“I love you, Gil. Please don’t ever forget that. And I’ll love you no matter what; you don’t have to be anyone else but you. I love all your scars,” he picked up his hand gently in his own and planted a tender kiss to his wrist, feeling his pulse beneath his lips. “all your quirks, all your flaws, and all your weaknesses; everything about you. Every single detail.” He saw the tears welling up in his boyfriend’s eyes and quickly kissed them away.

“God, Ivan, why do you have to be so fucking nice to me…” Gilbert managed a small laugh through his tears, his voice throaty and choked from crying.

“Because I love you. I thought we just went over this.” Ivan smiled at him lovingly and laughed, leaning down and planting a feather light kiss on his trembling pink lips. He affectionately ruffled his hair.

“I-I love you too, so fucking much—” His voice cracked and he was unable to finish what he was going to say. Instead he just embraced him tightly and sobbed into his shoulder, trembling and sniffling as his boyfriend continued to comfort him as best he could, murmuring words of love and assurance.

They stayed like that for hours, both losing track of the time. Gilbert cried all his tears and Ivan cried with him, he spilled out all of his emotional pain and trauma, and ranted until he had nothing more to say and was feeling significantly better. Ivan was there to hold him the whole time, sympathize with him, and share some of his own emotional hurt as well.

They were both tired by the time the situation had calmed down, both content lying there in each other’s arms and listening to the pounding of the other’s rhythmic heartbeat.

“Fuck, I’m such a damn softie for being a criminal. What the hell is wrong with me.” Gilbert grunted into Ivan’s shoulder.

The larger man smiled and let out a soft laugh. “I like it. You’re a tough guy on the streets, and a softie in the sheets. But only with me. I like it that way.” _But also it’s only normal for you to get emotional after just contemplating suicide…_ he thought, but didn’t mention it out loud. He didn’t want him to get depressed again.

Gilbert punched him gently in the shoulder. “Shut up. Count yourself damn lucky.”

“Oh, I most certainly am lucky. I’m the luckiest man in the world.” Ivan laughed softly, kissing him briefly. His lips tasted salty from his tears. “But really, you break a lot of the drug dealer and ‘criminal’ stereotypes.”

“How so?”

“You’re gay, for one, and you’re not super buff. No offence. And you have no tattoos, and you’re not addicted to any drugs… except for me. You’re definitely addicted to me.” He teased, a playful gleam in his eyes. He heard Gilbert snort softly. “Oh, you also like cute little animals. That’s not too hardcore.” He poked his nose and grinned.

“Hey, I can’t help if I think animals are adorable! You like sunflowers, and that’s not very cliché gangster!”

“Okay, okay, so neither of us are very stereotypical criminals.” He ruffled his hair and nuzzled into his neck, planting soft kisses onto the warm skin. Breathing in his scent, he began to slowly kiss up his neck, his fingers ghosting along his sides.

Gilbert let out a content sigh, tilting his head back onto the pillows and burying his fingers into his boyfriend’s ashy blond hair, gently massaging his scalp and tugging at his hair.

The atmosphere was quiet, except for the wet sounds of Ivan’s kissing, and the lids of his eyes were beginning to feel heavier.

“Ivan…”

The deep violet gaze flickered up to catch his.

“Please know… that I’ll never leave you. That was the last time you’ll ever see me standing so close to death. I love you, and I’ll never… ever leave you to face this life on your own.”

Ivan wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, taking in a shaky breath and breathing a light kiss onto the top of his head. He just hoped he’d be able to fulfill that promise, because he honestly was terrified of the thought of him dying.

_Please don’t leave me._

* * *

_-Presently-_

“LET ME THROUGH!”

Ivan was struggling against some police officers holding him back. Rage burned through his veins and he was fighting to urge to just throw these men down onto the ground and pound their brains into the gravel.

Yellow tape fenced off the bloody scene, and a few passer-byers stopped to see what was going on.

“I said let me the fuck through! He’s my _boyfriend!_ You have to let me see him!” He was breathing heavily through clinched teeth, resembling a wounded animal. He couldn’t bring himself to change the _‘is’_ to _‘was’_. The realization still hadn’t set in.

Finally he was released, and he quickly jumped over the yellow tape and ran over to where Gilbert’s body lay lifelessly on the cold hard asphalt. He knelt down next to him and cradled his head in his hands, looking down at him with a mix of disbelief, sorrow, and rage.

Gilbert’s eyes were still wide open, and blood was trickling out of the corner of his mouth. Ivan’s hands shook as he brushed a few strands of hair from his cold, pale face.

His gaze was fixated on nothing, just staring blindly up at the sky. Tears welled up in Ivan’s eyes as he remembered how those beautiful red eyes used to express such emotion. They would fill with excitement, wonder, hate, nervousness, sadness, and the best of all _love._ But now he would never see those eyes look at him again.

Tears spilled from the corners of his own eyes as he gently pressed those eyes closed. Now he looked like he could just be sleeping… if he wasn’t so covered in blood. Oh how he wished he could just be sleeping.

He wiped some blood away from the corner of his mouth, his eyesight becoming progressively blurrier as more tears formed in his eyes. Those lips were so thin and pale now, opposed to the light pink shade they normally possessed. He had kissed those beautiful lips just the night before, watched them smile, and watched them part slightly as he laughed, and now they were frozen and cold. He wondered if it would be morbid of him to lean down and kiss those lips just one last time.

He would probably taste like his own blood so he opted not to.

Now he just stared down at him blankly as tears overflowed from his eyes, memories rushing by in his head. These memories were once cherished but now they just tore at his heart and made the gap that Gilbert once filled grow hollower and more painful.

Those were the last memories they would ever make together, he suddenly realized, and that thought terrified him almost as much as the thought that his life would have to continue now without Gilbert forever.

_I just wish I could have told you goodbye._

Now he could barely see past the tears in his eyes as he stared down at his sleeping angel.

His shoulders shook with heavy, silent sobs as he bent over the dead body and cried, paying no attention to the men standing beside him with the body bag, waiting. He let out a sorrowful whine that no language barrier- no _species barrier_ \- could ever disguise as unanguished.

_I just wish I could have told him goodbye…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC next chapter
> 
> Thanks for reading! I cried a bit while writing this. Hopefully next chapter won't be as sad...  
> Please leave a comment if you liked it! I'd love to hear your opinion.


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